Exploring London

Walking through Hyde Park every morning, there are some observations I'd like to make about London.

Firstly, it's always 7am. It could be four o'clock in the afternoon, but with the cold, crisp chilly air, the hint of a wisp of fog that clings to everything in sight - it gives London in Winter a perennial seven-in-the-morning feel to it.

Secondly, everything is so civilised here. The people are so civilised, greeting you as they walk by. The dogs are so civilised, walking proudly alongside their owners, without the need for a leash. The horses and horse-riders are civilised, with their obvious aristocratic blood and breeding. Heck, even the ducks are civilised, going about their stately swims alongside the lake's edge, unfazed by the human, canine and equine activity around them.

Thirdly, the sound that the walking lights make when then go green is exactly the same as my fire alarm. The first time I waited at the lights, my Pavlov conditioned reaction was to look around like a meerkat "who's burning their toast?" instead of crossing the road.

Fourthly, this is a city I could grow to love. There is a certain elegance to it all, and an optimism borne of a city that not only has a millenia of history, but one that has been destroyed and rebuilt many times over.

Having a few days to explore the city, I set out for a different direction through Hyde Park each morning with only a vague idea of what I wanted to see. And here are the results.


Buckingham Palace

What visit to London is complete without seeing where the Royal Family resides?

I've been told that the Changing of the Guards is not to be missed, as it's the epitome of British Pomp and Pageantry. This takes place at 11:30am every day (alternate days between Autumn and Spring), and so I duly waited by the impressive Palace Gates for the show.

I arrived a little after 11am, and there were already a parade of soldiers standing at attention - presumably, these are the guards to be changed. Some other officers were doing the rounds, walking in an exaggerated military fashion and barking the occasional order.

After a few minutes, I was starting to get a little bored, so imagined all this happening to the tune of "Oh-wee-Oh, weee-Ohh oh" from the Wicked Witch's Castle scene out of the Wizard of Oz. With their grey coats and furry hats, it worked a treat. Add in some Flying Monkeys, and it was enough to keep me amused for a few more minutes.

Finally, a military march could be heard in the distance, and a few minutes after 11:30am, a band showed up with a fresh batch of soliders.

At last, the Pomp and Pageantry was to begin!

Getting into position, the Guards stood there and waited. As did the spectators.

Some more orders were barked. The Guards stood there, unmoving.

Any moment now, something was to going to happen...

Nope... nothing.

About 10 minutes passed by without much movement (at least that part of the reputation of the Queen's guard is true), so I spent a bit more time looking around and inspecting the Palace exterior itself.

It was somewhat comforting to know that, no matter how rich the Queen may be, how lofty and exalted her position, how impressive her humble abode... she still suffers like us commoners, with inept construction workers and home heating problems.

Another thing I noticed was that Buckingham Palace is surrounded by busy main roads - something they normally don't show in all those pictures and news broadcasts. I do wonder if Her Majesty suffers from drive-by hoonings late at night, where she would open up a royal window to give a royal finger, before summoning the royal executioner to chase the offender and off with their head.

Suppressing a smile, my thoughts were interrupted with the band making a move to the centre of the Palace courtyard.

Ok, something's happening! A few more minutes of waiting... What were they going to play? God Save the Queen? Rule Britannia? Perhaps something a bit more militaristically traditional, like the Colonel Bogey March, perhaps?

The band plays the first chord. With all the waiting, was my mind playing tricks on me?

"Are... are they playing... The Phantom of the Opera?" asked a puzzled tourist behind me.

Yep, it was true then. I wasn't hearing things.

And so begain a 10 minute Phantom medley. By this stage, I wasn't quite sure what to make of it. Three possibilities were running through my mind:

(1) Having problems paying even for heating (see above), the poor Royal Family have had to outsource the Queens Army to the Salvation Army. Donations will be accepted at the end of each song as the conductor passes the red bucket.

(2) This is, in fact, some sort of psychological warfare aimed at strengthening the resolve of the Queen's fighting forces. ("Right lads! You've now had a concentrated, 10%-less-than-lethal dose of Andrew Lloyd Weber. Fear nothing that crosses your path today, for you have already endured the worst. May God have mercy on your souls!")

(3) It is the secret to the eternal glazed, comatose look that the Queens Guards are famed for.

Another 10 minutes more of not much movement, the guards switch places, and it was all over. I looked around to see the reaction of the other tourists, only to find that they had all left. Every single one of them.

It was just me who stuck to the bitter end, in the hope that there may have been something more. With the morning now long gone, it was time to move on.


The Tower of London
The famous Tower of London has been home to much of Britain's heritage, having served as a palace, a Royal Mint, a storehouse, a zoo, a torture chamber, a prison, a fortress, and an army barracks amongst other things during its 950 or so years of existence.

Many famous names have been executed there, and it is reputed to be amongst the most haunted places in England. The ghost of Queen Anne Boleyn - former wife of King Henry VIII - seen walking at night carrying her head in her arm, is one of the more prominent restless spirits there.

Today, it is now much better known as a tourist attraction and keeper of the Crown Jewels, as well as the toughest tour guide gig to get in the world.

Home to the Queen's Yeoman Warders (affectionately known as the Beefeaters), one must have served in the armed forces for no less than 22 years, and obtain a rank of at least Seargeant Major to even get a chance at being one of the 36 chosen guards.

And how is this intensive combat experience used?

To take busloads of tourists around the Tower grounds, pointing out places of interest. And you thought the training to be a London cabbie was tough!

The actual Tower itself is not particularly tall by modern standards, but was for many centuries the tallest building in London. It is a white building known, appropriately enough, as the White Tower and had its origins as a fortress home for William the Conqueror and today houses a museum of artifacts from its illustrious history.

The museum itself is quite interesting, and I happily spent a couple of hours exploring the interior, which has been lovingly restored and in some parts modernised.

There is a small chapel upon entering the White Tower, with its solemn aura radiating a sense of peace and tranquility. Being the heathen Darwin-supporting atheist that I am, I was half wondering if I would be struck down with a plague or some other divine retribution for even daring to set foot in such a holy sanctuary.

Past the chapel is where it starts getting more into things that interest a geek like me... medieval armour and weapons.

The museum sports an small but impressive collection from Henry VIII, including a commanding full-suit for the King and barding for his steed.

Of note is an almost comical extrusion to protect the "other crown jewels" - for you ladies, Henry VIII was evidently a big man in more ways than one.

As for the actual Crown Jewels themselves, they technically aren't kept in the Tower, but in a seperate building called the Jewel House within the walled grounds.

This was built in 1738 after an attempted robbery - prior to that, the jewels were justed stored in a locked cabinet, which didn't prove too secure.

Entering the Jewel House is a process akin to propaganda & indoctrination, for you are subjected to a few rooms, each showing a different aspect of the Coronation of Queen Elizabeth II. After watching it all, you are pretty much in no doubt that, yep, she's the Queen.

After the videos are completed, you enter a giant safe containing all the jewelry you've just seen on screen. The Jewels are stored in a row of secured glass cabinets, along which run two parallel moving walkways.

With the Crowns, the Sceptres, the Swords, and other regalia all sitting on purple, lined velvet cushions and strategically placed lighting, the impression you get as you whiz by on the travelator is that of the Home Shopping Network.

The gems are so excessively large and plentiful that it starts to look fake... and if you call now, they'll throw in a free estate in Scotland! All yours for just 1,280 payments of $5 million each (excluding postage and delivery).

Seriously, American rappers don't know the meaning of Bling, when you're staring at one 350 year old crown alone that contains 6 thousand diamonds. And there are a lot of crowns on display. Not to mention the two largest cut diamonds in the world, which in turn are surrounded by yet more diamonds.

I guess if there's one perk to being the Queen is that no one can ever accuse you of being too ostentatious with your bling.

As the english magician Derren Brown once wrote, any such statement such as "Who do you think you are, the Queen?!" would be retorted with "Why yes, I am", before being dragged off by Royal Guards to have your testicles removed for being churlish.

All in all, very worthwhile visiting, and having a Beefeater take you around on the tour. For those planning to visit, the iconic London Bridge is also a stone's throw away.


Shakespeare's Globe Theatre

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances
And one man in his time plays many parts...

William Shakespeare (As You Like It, Act II, sc. vii)

Shakespeare tormented me up until about Year 10.

I tried to like his works... I really did. It's just that I didn't really understand him. I mean, I got good marks, and I got the gist of it, but I couldn't help the feeling that it was all a little over-rated, and of what's the big fuss all about?

It wasn't until I had a brilliant English teacher who helped me really understand McBeth that it all clicked into place, and it all finally made sense.

I've been a fan of The Bard ever since, and so could not refuse a trip to the Globe.

An amazing reconstruction of the original Globe, it took 25 years of political wrangling to bring this monument to one of the world's greatest english language playwrights to reality.

Basically, the locals didn't believe that this Shakespeare guy needed anything more than a plaque on a brewery wall... guess they didn't have the benefit of my year 10 English teacher.

Built about 180 metres from the original site, it is a faithful reproduction of the original, down to the building techniques and materials. In fact, 15 years of the political wrangling was over the authentic thatched roof - the London council had not approved one since the Great Fire of London in 1666, and wasn't going to start now!

Needless to say, they caved in and allowed it to be built on the priviso of it having extra fire extinguishers on the roof, and two extra exits.

If you take up the guided tour, you are treated to the inside of the Globe, which is used for actual reproductions of Shakespeare's plays.

Unlike the Tower of London, the tour guides aren't ex-military, but actual campy actors with a passion for dramatic flair and bringing the theatre to life. Contrary to the superstition around that Scottish Play, our tour guide was more than happy to bandy McBeth around inside the theatre.

The stage itself is also interesting, with an ornately painted ceiling depicting the Heavens (and a trap-door through which wired actors can enter the stage as angels), and a corresponding secret trap-door in the floor of the stage, representing Hell (for actors to enter as demons or witches).

Thus, the mortal realm in between heaven and hell, as represented by the stage, is the world in which all men and women play out their dramas, their comedies, their romances, their exits, their entrances and everything else that makes up life within this Globe. Symbols within symbols, meanings within meanings, and poetic apropos all round.

Interestingly enough, the Globe also encourages discussion as to the Bard's real identity at the Shakespeare exhibition that is also included with the ticket price. Having spent a few good hours all up, it was time to exit, stage left... (ok, I concede that's more Snagglepus than Shakespeare).


The Science Museum

If life didn't lead me down the path to Advertising, I probably would be doing something more respectable, like drug dealing or pimping.

Alternatively, I would have indulged in science for the opportunity to pull things apart, blow things up, smash things together and do all sorts of unnatural experiments.

It's no co-incidence that Super Villains (as opposed to your ordinary garden variety) tend to be scientists, for with Knowledge comes Power.

Thus, I was interested in what today's breeding ground for tomorrow's merciless overlords is like, bringing me to the British Science Museum. England has had more that its fair share of brillian scientists and engineers over the centuries, and their enormous contribution to society is showcased in this impressive 5 story exhibition hall.

With plenty to see and do - the museum covers many diverse topics, from the evolution of science to entire floors devoted to themes such as computing, flight, naval engineering, mathematics, space exploration and the automobile to name a few.

Of particular interest for me was the reproduction of Babbage's Analytical Engine - a purely mechanical fore-runner to the modern computer. A design so advanced and requiring engineering so precise that it was impossible to build with the technology of the time.

Requiring no electricity - just someone to turn the crank a few times, it was capable of amazing feats of mathematics.

Surprisingly, given the huge impact that Sir Isaac Newton had on the world of science and mathematics, there was virtually nothing showcasing his work. The other British giant of science, Charles Darwin, on the otherhand, had a museum all to himself right next door...


The Museum of Natural History

Right next door to the Science museum is the Temple to Natural Science. The irony of this building was not lost on me, as I originally mistook this building for a Cathedral.

If the intent of the architect was to evoke awe about the amazing diversity, detail and grandeur of this planet, then it succeeds from the moment you step through the ornately decorated entrance.

Once beyond, the grand foyer continues to impress with a incredibly detailed carvings of various fauna and flora carved into the wall, decorating it with the multiplicity of the natural world.

It’s easy to see how the ancient cathedrals of old could inspire the peasants in the splendour and magnificence of God through architecture. No doubt, the architect was looking to use these techniques to invoke those same feelings, but at the world around us rather than to the glory of a specific deity.

As to be expected, the Dinosaur exhibit is amongst the museum’s best, with a full animatronic Tyrannosaurus Rex capping off the display. The Earth’s treasury is also notable, with examples of numerous precious minerals and gems that have been bequeathed over the years by various benefactors.

Sadly though, there was little discussion of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (blessed be all that his noodly appendage touches), and instead, there is an entire floor devoted to the discussion of man’s evolution over 4 billion years.


Big Ben
Yes, this is quite a large and impressive clock, but was somewhat shorter than I imagined it would be. It’s always seemed much more looming and dominant on TV – I guess it’s true when they say that TV adds a few pounds.

Big Ben is close to quite a few other London landmarks – the Chapel of Westminster, the Houses of Parliament, and the London Eye(sore).

While it seems to be quite popular with tourists now, I can’t imagine why anyone would think a giant ferris wheel amidst all these old stately buildings helps contribute to London’s charm and character. Then again, I’ve heard that the Parisians hated the Eiffel Tower when that was first build too.

Trafalgar Square

Outside of the National Portrait Gallery, this is dominated by a giant column to commemorate Lord Horatio Nelson’s victory at Trafalgar. What’s more impressive to me though, are the four giant lions that stand sentinel, guarding the base of the column.

Proud, fierce, noble and vigilant, these four beasts now have the purpose of giving piggy-back rides to the numerous children climbing about.


London Guards Hotel

To finish off this report on London, a few more words about the hotel.

It’s haunted.

Or at least that’s the way it felt. Whilst it’s a fantastic price for a great location, it’s also quite old with creaking floorboards. Sleeping tends to be quite a hit and miss affair, and depends on how considerate your fellow guests are – it doesn’t take much to make a noise that gets amplified – just the ability and desire to walk from one location to another.

And don’t expect to sleep in either, as the cleaning crew will undoubtedly wake you when they start walking the rounds.

A continental breakfast is also included with the room which is great – but is always the same. Breadrolls, croissants, orange juice and cereal. It’s a good way to start the day, and enough to fill you until you find a more appetising place to eat.

And there’s plenty of choice too – take a short 5 minute stroll towards Paddington station, and there’s some great variety and quality. Particularly notable is a place called the Video Café – it wasn’t a particularly gourmet sounding place (especially since it was a video rental shop), but it makes a fantastic chicken and salami pizza, with garlic bread and a drink for under 5 pounds.

Which was a godsend. Whilst London is becoming a food capital of the world, according to the unofficial Big Mac Index, London is at leat twice as expensive a place to eat in than Sydney (and of lesser quality at the lower price ranges too).

Speaking of McDonalds, it was actually quite a pleasant discovery to see how few of them seem to exist here – the market appears to be dominated by another fast food chain called Pret-a-Manger. Focussing on simple but delicious and healthy fast food at reasonable prices, it seemed to be quite a popular choice with locals. From what I can see, it’s a licence to print money – if anyone is interested in starting up an Australian franchise of it, let me know ;)

Overall, London has been a fun experience – certainly a lot to see and do, and has a nice atmosphere to it. Sydney is often touted as being a multi-cultural city, but it feels more real in London. The multitude of foreign accents and foreign workers makes London truly international. It’s proximity to Europe as well as the legacy of Empire has made it a melting pot and fusing of culture in ways that remote Sydney hasn’t quite matched.

Whilst London may be old, there’s still a spark of youthful energy as the city continues to reshape itself for the 21st Century. I can certainly see myself with a future here – I’m sure that this first time will not be my last.

But until then, Paris now beckons, and a Eurostar Chunnel trip lies ahead.